So I'm scattered. I haven't been meditating or praying. As for my retreat, well. I kept up with the week of water, mostly. I thought about water, and experienced and noted several watery synchronicities and thoughts in my own life and the world at large that week. But I obviously haven't blogged them yet, and so I don't remember everything I planned to write. And I never did the meditation.
And earth--poor earth. I really got lost last week, didn't even finish reading the book chapter, didn't read the PDF handout or listen to the meditation. I barely thought about earth.
Now we are halfway through our "integration" week and it's the same. Haven't even cracked the book this time, or downloaded the PDF or meditation. And I have travel plans for Friday and the weekend that will make it difficult to focus. I'm saddened that I didn't maintain the retreat mentality; but I'm going to try to make use of what time I have left and do my best to come back to my thoughts.
It would have been much better if I'd set aside a specific time for the retreat work as Christine suggested, but it's not easy these days. However, I think I should be able to do a better job at setting aside spiritual time. One thing I want to think about is whether I can make an ongoing retreat "mentality" a daily, or at least every-other-daily, part of my life in the coming weeks. More on this later.
It certainly wasn't all down to physical logistics, I'm sure of that, except inasmuch as a day when I'm trying to accomplish home and work tasks without child care leaves me drained and stressed. I also think I (and probably most people) have cycles of engagement and detachment, just like the ebb and flow that was a theme during the week of water.
I'm also a little spiritually blocked because I am trying to sort out my daughter's baptism and, well. If it were just me planning the ceremony, it would be simple, but the celebrant would like me to get my husband to come to church and read the ceremony, and there's family to think about, and godparents, and... sigh. The "political" details are frustrating, and suck up a lot of mental time and energy, and in particular, getting my husband to talk about it all is like dragging a recalcitrant goat around on a rope. (I think. I've never actually dragged a goat around, I'm just imagining.)
But maybe that's all the more reason to return to the basics. Mindfulness meditation, prayer, Christian meditation, the things that are simple rocks in the midst of complexity.
I think it's no coincidence that the images and thoughts I drew out of the week of fire remain most clearly with me from day to day. I worked really hard that week on prayer and thought and consciousness because fire has always been my most challenging element, the one that felt most foreign. While I hesitate to assign a work ethic to spiritual matters, I do think that one has to devote time, thought, and energy to spirituality in order to be engaged.
But then I'm also reminded of grace. This is something new to me; pagan spirituality is very self-driven (more about that later, too). The idea that maybe it's God's choice to gift you, or not, with the grace of belief, of faith. That puts us back in the coracle on the turbulent seas, the shifting winds of the Spirit determining where we go, and when. It's a relief to remember that this dance does take two to tango. "God helps those who help themselves," and giving up total responsibility doesn't mean that one can just lie around marshmallow-like and wait for things to happen; but on the other hand one shouldn't put on the hair shirt for being imperfect. I always liked the thought that to strive for perfection is presumptuous: as Michael J. Fox said, "I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God's business." And, further, that even if I were so close to Godly as to be almost perfect, God still plays a part in this connection. I can only reach halfway across the abyss even on my most perfect day. God, in God's grace, must reach out to me too:
So here I am. I'm recommitting, coming back to the roost, back to the fold. Opening myself to grace again, as I will do again and again, throughout my life.
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